Parenting, Politics & Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance arises when we receive conflicting information related to values, beliefs, and attitudes. It creates significant psychological distress and can result in both maladaptive and constructive behaviors. Right now, I personally believe most parents who fall within a certain range of centered political beliefs are experiencing cognitive dissonance on a daily basis. The range I speak of is broad encompassing moderates and most left-centered and right-centered on the political spectrum.

Our government has become so focused on the extremes—the far left and the far right—that those of us seeking common sense and harmony feel confused and unrepresented. There are issues on both sides when anything becomes extreme. The far left, in my opinion, has pushed us too far in some ways. As someone who embraces diversity and respect, I struggle to keep up with what words are now off-limits. A simple slip—using terminology ingrained in me for over 45 years—can suddenly offend. It’s not ignorance; it’s habit, it’s “mom brain", I am old and not as quick of a thinker anymore. I don't always remember the letters in LGBTQIA, sometimes I have to look them up. I don't forget them out of disrespect, many of us are just middle aged people with much on our minds and struggle learning any new acronym while remembering to sign our kids up for sports before the price increases. On the other hand, the far right has embraced verbal and physical aggression—destruction of public spaces, bodily harm against law enforcement, and white supremacists marching as though this is somehow socially acceptable again. Democrats have been, in my opinion, at times speaking to the far left, leaving out moderates and center-right voters. Republicans now cater to the far right, leaving out the more moderate left.

This is where I do take my personal side: The greatest danger of the far left, in my opinion, is unreason, and the greatest danger of the far right, in my opinion, is gender, class, and race-based hate, justified by a Christian Nationalist ideology. Many people in the political middle can tolerate unreason more easily than they can tolerate hate. And this is precisely why the shift from appeasing the far left to appeasing the far right is creating a new form of cognitive dissonance.

Average, everyday people—including parents—are accustomed to diversity in thought and community. We grew up with the belief of treating others with kindness. We’ve spent years supporting anti-bullying campaigns in schools. We volunteer and have empathy for the less fortunate. We have been instilling these beliefs in our children.

When I entered the workforce in 2000, the professional world was less diverse. Over time, diversity became more prevalent—and for most of us, that was a positive shift. We’ve worked alongside people of different races, cultures, and viewpoints, and we’ve seen firsthand that diversity enriches our work and lives. We celebrate Black History Month not to make white children feel guilty, but because we want to honor and respect the history and struggles of Black Americans. We acknowledge that past oppression still creates real barriers today. We want our children to do better, we were not trying to guilt them. That was the right thing. That felt good and decent.

Women, too, have made progress. My first job out of college was in a male-dominated industry. At first, I saw my male colleagues as mentors, almost like uncles. But then the casual touching and inappropriate comments started. Back then, I blamed myself. I wasn’t dressing provocatively, I spoke about my husband, I treated them with respect. Yet, I convinced myself I had done something to invite the behavior. I cannot stress enough that the majority of men treated me with respect. However, psychological damage was inflicted by the few. Over the past 20 years, we’ve screamed from the rooftops, demanding that workplace harassment stop. And finally, it has become the norm to expect respect. We celebrated that. We felt joy knowing our daughters and daughters-in-law might not have to experience what we did.

But now, here we are. A highly decorated Black military officer fired simply because he couldn’t prove he wasn’t a “diversity hire.” His replacement? A white man with far fewer qualifications. A highly decorated female military officer fired for the same reason. And here is where cognitive dissonance sets in.

For those of us "inliers" on the political spectrum and the far left, our values tell us that diversity is good. Our values tell us that minority and female hires are just as capable as white men and deserve their fair share of the pie. Our values tell us that we thrive when surrounded by diversity of thought and experience. We’ve instilled these same values in our children. And now, we see people in power attacking diversity and making decisions based solely on race and gender. How do we explain this to our kids? How do we reconcile it within ourselves?

We are making such severe overcorrections to extreme left ideology that we’ve lost our moral compass. And the far right is preying on this. White men now feel under attack, not because they are, but because extremists are amplifying their subconscious fears. No one cares if men go out for beers with their friends and tell jokes. No one is asking men to stop being masculine. We simply asked that they not harass us, that they not belittle us, that they share opportunities fairly. Recognizing that the majority already were. Most of us can empathize with the fact that men today are struggling to redefine masculinity. And that’s okay. But what’s not okay is extremists feeding off those fears and encouraging toxic behaviors instead of providing healthy role models for young men.

And then, there’s how we treat each other. Do you remember when politeness was a thing? When anti-bullying campaigns were a priority? When embracing different viewpoints made us stronger? When as Americans we felt pride in helping the sick and starving children around the world. That felt right. That felt moral. And yet, today, we see government leaders bullying people online, mocking the poor, calling fellow Americans parasites.

Cognitive dissonance is exhausting. Those of us "inliers" are still wired for common sense, for decency, for kindness. We tell our children to embrace different perspectives. But now, are we supposed to encourage bullying? Are we supposed to teach our kids that public shaming and cruelty are acceptable?

My son’s role model is an NFL player that went to a local high school—a hardworking, humble, and generous young man. He doesn’t degrade women. He doesn’t spew hate. He gives back to his community. That is the kind of leader I want my son to look up to. Not politicians who mock and insult others for sport. Not individuals who gain power by dividing people instead of uniting them.

I don’t want to live in a world where fear and division replace respect and understanding. I don’t want my child to grow up in that world. If you’re struggling to explain this shift in our country's culture to your children, if you are struggling to explain that love is strength and respect is good, you’re not alone. If you are questioning your own sanity, you're not alone.  You are sane.

But here’s the thing about cognitive dissonance: We don’t have to surrender to it. We can act. We can reject extremism and stand for values of diversity, kindness, and fairness. We can explain to our children that these values are of great importance and that some have lost sight of them. While our freedoms of speech are starting to be interfered with, we still have freedom of speech in our homes. We can surround ourselves with communities that reflect those values. We can speak up with respect. We can fight for what’s right—not with hate or division, but with the same decency and moral clarity that we want to pass on to our children. We can volunteer, we can donate, we can peacefully protest, we can ask minorities and those in need what they need from us during these times.

This past month, I have caught myself overcome with distress and not fighting back with decency.  Starting today, I am righting myself and reminding myself what Michelle Obama taught us "when they go low, we go high". I am holding onto hope that the majority of us are kind and decent and some are just caught up in the hype of the moment.